Marginal person 2015 !10/22

 '..a marginal person....A marginal person who has lived comfortably, true, but only under completely uncertain and temporary circumstances.' Identity, MilanKundera.

That's me... How did Milan Kundera know me...see me?

"When he wondered: what should I choose for my whole life's work? His inner self would fall into the most uncomfortable silence." identity, MilanKundera.

Me again...in a hundred lines, in a slip of a book, there is me, over and over again..

This is what I love in a book... To see me. Listen to  answers to my  questions. Wander through an eternal labyrinth with the author who is as confused as I am. Searching for answers to the same questions. To rejoice or be disgusted with the journey...the discovery... Together.

With Albert Camus's 'Stranger'

I wanted to be the prisoner on death row,  ' Happy Death' found me in a delirious existentialist journey..."

But some books, however  well written and well received leave me cold... Why? Because the author did not know me... He is not talking to me and was not on my journey.

Books... A narcissists utopia.!

 This tree did not bear any fruit for years. I thought it had stopped bearing. But loved it for its beauty nevertheless.

It had the most beautiful vine growing on it which quite covered its branches. A wonderful sight.

Then one day I strippped off the vine. A cruel and heartless gesture it seemed at that moment.

Free of the vine that sucked at its life the tree bore fruit again. More abundant than I had ever seen it before...

A new lease of life....

 Life is for learning. Every day I'm learning deep cruel quirks that lurkes in me and others around me. I look for beauty and mercy and find that too. Only for it to be dashed to splinters at he very next turn I take. 

At the very core of our nature we don't make a for a pleasant picture. 

Let go

 Let go they said

Move on

Heal your self

Be your own hero

Save your self

But I'm not ready to let go yet

I'm not even ready to let things be

I'm just feeling numb

Discarded and humiliated

But no not ready to let go yet.

Will it happen?

How does it happen

I don't know

I've not been there before

Or done it before

My life shattered once before

Everyone said let go

I didn't know how

I just held on.

Healing happened

But I had not let go

Circumstances changed

My mindset adopted to what remained

But I still did not know to let go

The lesson has come back again

As it would untill I mastered it.

So is this my time to learn

All I feel for the moment is

I'm not ready to let go. 

 It took awhile

It took its time

This much awaited peace

Then it happened

One morning

I was free...

Free of hurt

Guilt....

Prejudice and pain

Was it in words read

Or a smile and a hug

With the last  shudder of a stolen fuck

I know not

Nor do I care

I'm in peace...

 Oh you

That laugh, then cry

Want so much...so much love a hug a hand to hold and cling. 

You who care beyond boundaries, those boundaries you never marked, noticed or cared for. 

You who smile at butterflies and would sereptitously hug a tree

Take pains to be elegant untill your stub a toe

Come let it go

Be free

Be happy

It's a new world

A new place

A place that was always there

But elided you in your rush to live 

Come

Be still

Just be

Be happy

This is your world. 

I am enough

 Not so long ago I felt  ' not enough' ....the anguish of  separateness from what was... A hunger which led to  wanting more, being more, the need to leave a mark in a world which to me was the 'other'..then slowly and imperceptibly the gap between me and 'the other' closed...i the small separate self became the ' i am'..  I am the  silver sunrise and am also the stars that shine...I am the waves that wash over my feet and am in each poem i longed to write and the painting I wished I could paint. Its me that roars as water falls and the cool and the deep of the seas.. I am the fish that swim and the birds that fly... I am all the far away galaxies the sweet perfume that wafts from the jasmine outside...I am you and also you and I also am that was and is....the beautiful and the not so, the high and low, all that I touch, feel and see... I am .....so I know I am enough, just as I am because I am a part of and the all of everything that ever was and ever will be....forever one and complete....