Your smouldering soul, why would you burn

There is nothing there

Why torture your yourself

Your honour or shame..

It does not matter

There is nothing there..

Your pain and your grief...Your happiness and glee

Oh why...Why do you bother

There is nothing  in it..

Your good and your bad

Who cares...Just leave it, I  dare

You see....this drama  you create act and believe.

Empty words, empty space.... leave it

There is nothing there....

 It took awhile

It took its time

This much awaited peace

Then it happened

One morning

I was free...

Free of hurt

Guilt....

Prejudice and pain

Was it in words read

Or a smile and a hug

With the last  shudder of a stolen fuck

I know not

Nor do I care

I'm in peace...

 Long long ago

When I was young

Naive

Judgemental....oh yes

Very judgemental 

There was this lady 

Sitting alone at a table

At a pub

 I sat and watched.....demure,  surrounded by family

She sat there

Alone

Lost in thought

A glass of whisky in hand and in a cloud of smoke

.....so i judged...

Mused...

Felt sorry for her alone ness....

Laughed and giggled when she called for the bill and staggered out.

Today

Years later.....many many years later

I sit alone

Lost in thought

Enjoying my drink, in a cloud of smoke

Happy....at peace

I think of her

This old lady

Maybe she was happy too

Just as I am now

Alone yes

But happy... laughing...

At peace with the world

With her self

With myself....

 

Sitting alone past midnight

scared....shitting scared....

slowly ...slowly...

shedding layer upon layer of

doubt, fear, sadness ....

I'd have thought there would be nothing left...

as though peeling an onion 

I'm wrong....

I'm unveiling huge reserves of strength....

layer upon layer of strength, resilience, fearlessness and grit....

yeah....that's me...

a shaking, shivering mass of unbridled strength 

  It took awhile

It took its time

This much awaited peace

Then it happened

One morning

I was free...

Free of hurt

Guilt....

Prejudice and pain

Was it in words read

Or a smile and a hug

With the last  shudder of a stolen fuck

I know not

Nor do I care

I'm in peace...

 No limits, no boundaries

no lines to be crossed

heedless, reckless

this shooting star

destroying itself

whirling so fast

an illusion of stillness

of great calm

 Where is she

The wayward soul

 Who dared to dream

Longed for  nights

To trace the skies

Friend of the stars

Whisperer of crazy plans in the wind.

Where is she

Of the silver sunrise

Burning lips on scalding coffee

Seeking out birds

Feet deep in mud

She of the blissful mornings

Lazy days

Hours in bed

Seeker of secret spaces

 Lover of old books

Scribbling words of longing

Ignoring the ring of phone

Following the trail to the foot of a rainbow

She of the unmade bed

Unkept dates

Forgotten plans

Waiting the day out 

For long dark nights 

To sit alone

Waiting for the queen of the night to bloom

To inhale  deep its sweetness

Lie on the grass gaze at the sky

Friend of the moon

And the cloudless sky