Pendulum

I wished to ' just be'. Wished to do nothing.  ' Oh please, just let me be' my refrain. To be alone, eat on my own, seek out lonely places. My most vivid childhood memory is of climbing the wild and steep hill behind my house on my own with a book in hand, to sit  on a rock outcrop and gaze at the valley  beneath me,  oblivious to the dangers that lurked ...snakes, wild boar or more.

So now I sit alone, in this beautiful lonely place. They let me 'just be'.

I'm certain the universe hears our plea...what you consciously or unconsciously voice out to the universe and open yourself out to becomes. The universe knows no good or evil, social structure, convention or form. What you ask for comes to you. It may leave chaos in its path. But Chaos and destruction of form and convention is but a speck of dust in the path of the goddess of nature. 

It is true...be careful of what you ask for, you just may get it. When your thoughts become actions in space. 

So I sit, surrounded by nature, alone, quiet, not much to do and not much expected of me and certainly not much energy to give either. Life is quiet and good. It's still ....

But then I wonder. Is this it. Now what? This,  the one wild life I get. Do I sit around doing nothing. I get worried.  I rack my brain to think of one thing I want to do, a passion, an interest that would last longer than two weeks. Long enough to propel me out of my bed or chair and to action.  

A wise one once told me that at the end of the day this whole existence is but a thought. She adviced me on how to reduce thought. Is it my call to tread this path? Many a times I've been propelled on to this path, only to regress. The pull of the  illusion that is life still strong and ego driving it all. So I keep thinking. So much to do, so much to achieve.   Look around at the output of the world and  find my existence wanting. Then try my hand at all this beauty that  allure. To see it all, to grab it all. maybe a poem, sketch, grow a plant, photography, read, write or travel. It's good, it's got to be good. I love and admire it all and need to be part of it. But....I'm  already bored, tired and restless and find myself going back to the path of non doing. 

Back on the path  .... The path of non doing....what I wanted, what I asked for and  longed for...till the next burst of energy and resultant anxiety. 

Maybe one day it will cease....this pendulum of thought.